See ya!

The other day I went through and glanced back over my postings (recent and not-so-recent) to this blog and came to the conclusion that something needed to be done. I didn't particularly like what I read all that much. I entered into the blog world initially because I thought that it would help my writing. I am not a natural writer....my desired form of expression is talk and movement. I think through the process of engaging in real-time oral conversation. Even real time online chat doesn't get the wheels turning as well. There is (thanks Ong) something about the technology of writing that, even with an audience in mind, simply doesn't... (and here I am at a loss for words....I am performing what I am trying to express even as I struggle to write it)...doesn't ignite ideas and, more importantly, doesn't (for me) get those ideas moving and developing as well (again, for me) as talking does.

Example: The other weekend I went to visit Pinky in her fabulous new city and digs. We sat and drank too much beer on her back deck and talked about her dissertation research and my initial forays into a new essay for a fall conference. We were, quite admittedly, getting pretty drunk...despite the beer haze, however, ideas emerged out of that conversation that energized me in ways that a keyboard or pen or pencil has never done. In fact, I credit getting my dissertation done all those years ago to conversations during happy hours with grad school colleagues that were preserved as fragments on napkins. I know this experience sounds fairly familiar. The difference is that the conversation is, for me, where the idea lives and breathes. It is not a place where writing gets worked out or a precursor to writing or a post-writing smoke. The writing is that thing I am externally compelled (by the pressures of the academic world) to do. If I had it my way, the form of representation of most (certainly not all) ideas would evermore be in talk and movement.

So, back to the blog. I thought that the practice of writing in this form would help me to write through my writing difficulties. I have long enjoyed reading blogs and have found gorgeous prose, astute political insights, rants, raves, stories of personal triumphs and anxieties, lessons about academic life and even fashion advice (though not taken, this last is still interesting:). I still enjoy reading all of this. I simply have not been able to find a way to make this blog participate in it all. I like anonymity, but I also want to use my name and voice. I like to talk about personal issues, but I also hold much of that very close to my vest and, even here, remain intensely private. I want to write engaging prose, but find that others do it much better and so am content to leave it to them. I want to see the world around me as possible blog post material, but I am not a natural storyteller (I completely envy friends who see all the world as story...you know the type...the person who can make the narration of a trip to the post office witty and compelling).

As a result of all this confusion, this blog has lacked a personality and identity and, more often than not, comes across as whiny (and not in a fun and witty way) and self-absorbed (again, without wit).

So...I am putting it to rest. I'll still be around and reading. I may (or not) even emerge again under another pseudonym or, maybe, under my real name. At this point, though, I wanted to thank those who have stopped by and say goodnight.

Sincerely,
lil'rumpus